Living Better with Depression, Bipolar Disorder and/or Anxiety: strategies, tactics & tools for the short, medium & long-term. Based on my long journeys back from the Dark Side & and falls from high places, past, present & continuing....


State of Mind, State of House

(Just a note: i have been trying to post for weeks on both iPhone and iPad, through the Blogger app, but dear old Apple ensures it crashes, no matter what I try.  I'm going through the website now, or I'll never get anything posted. Apologies.)

I can't just blame the software though, unfortunately. It's not even that I don't have the material to post. I've got a folder half-full of drafts, and the blog idea section in my filofax is stuffed with notes.  There are just certain ways I can't make my brain work at the moment, and as far as I can tell, it's got something to do with organisation. More specifically, a complete inability to make a system to create order, leading to a complete inability to make order. In my thoughts, in my actions, in my social interactions, all the way down to even the inability to write a simple list.

It's maddening. It's tweaking all my obsessive triggers, but it's like mopping up a storm with a twig. Every inefectual effort brings more confusion, another half-finished task, more disorder.  This is most obviously manifested in the current state of my Sanctuary, my Fortified Keep, my geographical Peaceful Centre; MY HOUSE.

Ugh, I'm struggling to even write words about it. The feelings overwhelm me before they can be described. I'm hoping that I can blog my way through getting my house in order, a little section at a time; that i can use it to make linear some of the mush in my brain box. My usual tricks aren't working, so dear Reader, I invite you to traverse this rather desperate, improvised tactic with me and discover whether it has any merit...

Anyway, so far I've had a panic attack in between the first and second sentence of that last paragraph. But that's ok, it was more the "omigosh, omigosh, agh, agh" type rather than the paralysing black bite-style, so i quickly plugged in the vacuum cleaner and got to work on a section of my sewing room that i had already designated as "space needed as temporary holding bay" for the Tetris block of sewing stuff, market stall gear, yarn, boxes of clothes etc that my sewing room has become.

I pushed that out while the going was good, and got stuck into the hallway and into the lounge.  By the time fatigue and confusion overwhelmed me, I had tricked myself into making a small, but noticeable and pristine space in my house. I'll not overthink that, take the win and sit down to write about it.

I've got no idea what to do next, but I'm just gunna sit with it and maybe throw some ink or paint on some paper. Once you've decided on a strategy or tactic (or mental trickery heheh), I think it's important for something this crazy-making to be approached in whatever manner doesn't  trigger anxiety, or negative self-talk etc. Remember the "One Breath at a Time" principle. Break that shit down so small that you forget the overall larger task; inhabit the tiny little increments of life that you are able to.

So here are some paint splotches that I forced myself to lay down, despite knowing that only rubbish would come of it. No biggie, it's only coz I said I would and now I can tick that off (more small-scale mental trickery). Sometimes it's ok for your art to just be an experiment of expression.

I aso managed to squeeze in a load of washing.  I'm gunna work on getting that hung out nicely (one of my major obsessions, it requires energy to do properly), but then honestly? With the high pain levels and exhaustion/depression I've been experiencing the last few days, I really think that's quite enough for one day. I gotta keep some in the tank to feed myself and the animals, and water the garden. The washing might have to just wait...

Thank goodness for the bass.  But that's a whole 'nutha post, so stay with me. Sporadic as I may be, I do thank you.