(DRAGON BITES DOG)


Living Better with Depression, Bipolar Disorder and/or Anxiety: strategies, tactics & tools for the short, medium & long-term. Based on my long journeys back from the Dark Side & and falls from high places, past, present & continuing....

23.11.15

the danger of making assumptions you don't know you're making...


"yes, but have you noticed there's no STOP button?"  (c)#artbysense

Ok, I got sent a response to one of my posts that has pulled me up short and got me chastising myself for an arrogant fool. 

I'm kicking myself because without realising it, I have been operating this Blog on the unconscious assumption that anyone reading it has had their Long Dark Teatime of the Soul, and is already at or past a point where they have decided on at least one reason to keep on breathing.  Which is patently stupid, as I know from personal experience it's neither true, nor can I claim to have reached that point myself as a permanent state. 

It's a visceral blow to me tonight as I reflect on the message I've just read.  Not least because I know and respect the person that sent it, but also because I have been writing under the misapprehension that although I take great care in writing & editing these posts, I really didn't think they would have any power or meaning for anyone.  I see so much lightweight faff online posing as helpful or useful info, I had an unconscious belief that people wouldn't be able to tell the difference between superficial information and an attempt to go deeper anyway.

And I apologise most humbly in advance if it seems in the least that I am mining another person's hardship for blog-fodder. I can't emphasise enough this is not the case.  

No, what I'm trying to highlight here is my own arrogance and the utter imprudence of blithely making assumptions, even if they were unconscious. I feel sick at my hypocrisy and slapped in the face. "WAKE UP!!"

Because I know. Every cell in my body knows how it is to need a damn good reason to not just blot out existence and finally be done with it. Moment by endless, aching moment. First searchingly;  a reason, a reason, but there is nothing to latch on to. The heart will take no joy in all the usual dependable, meaningful actions.  Then desperately; why? Why? Still nothing, but then the horrible suspicion there might be nothing, nothing you can touch deeply anymore, that the previous spark in your eyes was there because you were hungry and Lyfe had something of sustenance for you to Eat.  Now stomach is ashes and you could not digest any flavour or nutrition anyway, were it even set before you.

I feel powerless right now; finding One's Self bereft of the will to Lyfe is such a fragile, lonely and utterly precarious place to be, and I am devastated to realise that I have no heartening words of encouragement to offer.  Because truthully, I believe the only point is the one on the end of my finger, and that it actually DOESN'T matter if I am here or not.  But strangely enough, I find a peace and freedom in that, that the pressure to find a reason to live just can't match.  

The need to find a point to one's existence is one of the most fundamental acts of personal free will that one will ever have the chance to discover and put into practice.  But it needs time and space to reach our real breadths.  Our society does not require or even openly recommend that individuals have any training and/or practice in reflecting on the meaning of one's life.  Our society makes a competitive virtue of keeping busy, headlines and advertising throw us from one heightened state to another. We are manipulated & motivated for the most part by vague, nebulous urges to "fill your life" FILL. YOUR. LIFE.  Like empty space and quiet is the enemy; like all the simple melodies that make up moments of your existence should be piled atop one another in a simultaneous set of symphonies.  You are encouraged to play the game, as if there is no other way.  So when trauma or chronic struggle, or ongoing unfulfillment starts to make everything in our life lose all value, we are left floating in a big, empty space with nowhere firm to set our feet.  And who amongst us can look into that abyss and not eventually flinch at what stares back? (If you put your own hand up you are lying, drop the front).

Fuck trying to look for a reason to live.  I really think you come to understand the reason long after you have made the decision, and it can just be overwhelming to go that deep when you're in crisis.  You only need a reason for now. Just one to get you off the roof. 

 My most powerful thought that draws me back is thinking of the mess that my loved ones will have to deal with when they find my body, and I just can't put anyone through that trauma. (Dead bodies are icky and tragic and traumatic). That and I can't leave my dog with no owner.  Whilst I empathise mightily with people that do feel they have to go through with it, on a personal level it eventually makes me feel super selfish, and I lean heavily on that fact time and time again.  I don't know whether that's my politics talking or just my personality, but it has worked so far.  And this is how you start..

Call somebody.  

It sounds a lot simpler than it often is when you're messed up, but if you feel you are being driven to jump and you don't know where to go or how to stop that feeling get on the phone.   
I'm gunna insert part of my reply to my friend, because I can't find a second set of words to explain and encourage:

"I am still here because of two things; one short term for the immediate now, and one straightaway for the time needed. You need to get in the direct company of people that either care, or people whose job it is to look after you. you must not be alone. I have called Lifeline with the packet of pills and water in my hand, when I had noone else. I have called the Crisis Assessment Team (CAT) when i had tried and missed and was looking to try again. They didn't lock me up, like I was scared they, would, they just listened and then helped me. Just DON'T BE ALONE.

You probably don't feel worth saving, that's ok but please don't trust those feelings. the very fact that you wrote me means that some deeper part of you really wants there to be a brighter day, and I promise you that while there might not be some big spotlight shiny forever, or a rainbow-tinted 'other side', there are precious and golden bright moments somewhere ahead of you, if you just take one more breath right now.


do it for the people that love you, do it for your dog
[or your cat/horse/snake], do it to spite every stupid fool that ever disrespected the spark that makes you You.


Now the immediate thing. take one breath.... see if you're still there at the end of it. Now see if you are still there at the end of another breath... still there? try another and see if you are still there when you finish breathing that one out.. keep checking. just one breath, check, repeat. I have gotten through whole hellish nights just trying for one breath at a time. it's not fun, but somehow it often works, and you're not having heaps of fun now, so what's to lose trying it?


I was (am) scared to reply to you, because I don't feel qualified to be of any help, but the thought of not replying, especially just because i was afraid, was much worse to contemplate. Please don't wait for someone to ask if you're ok. If you've stopped functioning, however you define that for yourself, please please try to take that first step in letting people know you don't work any more and you need help. I only know that eventually I couldn't do it alone anymore, and laying that at someone's feet (in my case, a doctor at the health clinic) was instrumental in helping me get to a position where i had my basic needs sorted out (shelter, food, services etc), which then enabled me to start the long road to addressing my fucked mental state.
"


We really need you on the planet.  Honestly, it's the people who have the hardest time here that we need the most.  Because you will not just exist without a good enough reason, you do not accept this world the way it as (and you shouldn't, look at the place!), you will not just blindly keep doing what everyone else is doing simply because every one is doing it so it must be normal. IT IS NOT NORMAL, IT IS JUST COMMON, and you have every right to feel uncomfortable, and wrong and pissed off and overwhelmed.  You are a product & a reflection of our sick world, and it is actually a sign of mental health that you have trouble making your way here.  Any sensible person would!   The only thing we have to change around, is our need to harm ourselves in the face of it.  We are simultaneously powerful and powerless. Our single voice is lost against the vast wall that is humanity, but person to person we have the power to change our world. I don't totally know how, I'm still working that out as I go, but I do know that we each,  and the personal connections we forge for ourselves, are the most powerful reasons we have for keeping on going.  

I have lost more Loved Ones to suicide than most people have had hot dinners. I don't want any of us to add to that number, or for any of you to read my obituary any day soon, so I promise I will keep looking for reasons to breathe if you will promise also.  I'm not asking you to commit to living, but let's commit to the spirit of the search. I'll think of you when I'm on the ledge, and you think of me when you are on yours.  We are each a strand in the web of life, each assisting all other strands to maintain the whole form. Every strand that snaps makes the whole weaker, makes a light go out and lessens any chance we have to bite back at the world, and shape it a little more to our liking.  

The world is a big place, but your world is as small or large as you need it to be, and it's yours to live how you like, regardless of what any person, law or convention has to say about it. 

 IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE CALLING A FRIEND, CALL SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO HELP: You won't just get thrown in a funny farm, you will just get a chance to take the pressure off yourself RIGHT NOW. Stuff the future, it's only now we have to get through. I'm sorry I don't have answers but I do know you are not alone, you only feel like it.  We are out there, help us help you to hang in there, by hanging in there too.  Just for Now.

Suicide line: 1300 651 251
http://www.suicideline.org.au/
free, professional anonymous help, 24 hrs a day, across Victoria

Lifeline 13 11 14 (these guys have helped me in the past)
https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat - online live chat counselling

Beyond Blue 1300 22 46 36 
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/
24 hour support service 

Alternatively, just visit any doctor or Health Service, plonk yourself down and tell them you don't work properly any more.  Most Health Centres won't charge you, or require an appointment.  I don't know how to end this neatly, but I have a picture in my head of all of us sticking our middle fingers up to the dickheads and yelling "THE BEST REVENGE IS AN INTERESTING LIFE!" Up yours, haters and judgers, life is messy and we are Real. xx

[JUST SO YOU KNOW: MY FRIEND CONTACTED ME TO LET ME KNOW THEY HAVE TAKEN SOME STEPS AND RIGHT NOW THEY'RE OK; I JUST WANT TO SEND SOME LOVE AND A BIG THUMBS UP FOR DOING SOMETHING HARD BUT GOOD XX]  

3.11.15

THE TOOLBOX - (and a lil somethin' to put in it)

#artbySENSE'015


 Data Collection & "The iCREATRIX Scale of Stability"

A "TALKING TACTICS" Post


 We have previously acknowledged that honest, non-emotional self-reflection is fundamental to building and maintaining the framework of a healthy life. 

Well, that's great and everything, but what the heck does it mean when I'm standing at the precipice of the heaving Volcano that is my mental landscape?  Fine, I committed to holding up to myself the unfiltered mirror, but WHAT DO I ACTUALLY DO ABOUT IT while I'm hotfooting left-to-right on aforesaid oven-y precipice?

Well, what you don't do is lose your balance jumping around like a cricket on a bbq.  That damn lava is HOT, & if you flip yourself over the edge in your panic we will need very special (and imaginary) flameproof rope to haul your over-anxious arse outta that incendiary hellpot.  

What you do do, is reach for your Toolbox.  Now a toolbox has only the potential of the tools it carries, and this post is about gaining a useful new tool to start (or add to) your collection. Why do you need a collection? From my most humble of perspectives, having only one or two methods to de-victimise/heal/deal with yourself is not enough. It might work like magic when you first discover it, but it often eventually becomes clear that it's uses are limited and non-lasting.  It is the nature of both humans and BpDA to evolve and adapt and normalise; I have discovered that Living Well is a dynamic, ongoing negotiation benefiting greatly from  application of the widest range of tools at hand.

So, I have a shiny new tool in my hand, but first I'd like you to imaginate a bit about your Toolbox. Because we need something in which to start collecting your collection, right? For example; mine is based on my RealLife (rl) toolbox. It is a strong, lockable workshop-style red box, covered in skate/moto/snow/music stickers.  It has a swing-up lid with three drawers in the body, big comfy handles on the side and mentally has a battered, reassuring heaviness to remind me I have many tools at my disposal. When I run my imaginary hands over it I can feel dings and flecks of paint, stickers peeling at the edges, and it has a cool trick of being able to appear and disappear in my mind at will (most of the time).

See how realistic my Toolbox is? Regardless of its imaginary status, it is as Real as anything else in the sense that I can use it.  Visualise (or draw, or describe) your own as often and as completely as you can.  Then every time you find a useful new tool, imagine packing it up in the way you would any valuable thing, then putting it away in your Toolbox. (I have a similar rave about different mental Hats for different tasks, but more about that another time). 

You can pack your Toolbox in any manner you chooseWe all learn and reinforce new information differently - you might want to put nice labels on your tools before you put them away; your toolbox might be neat & organised, or messy; you might prefer to mime unpacking/packing away the tools you're using, or sing a little ditty. Discovering which methods work best for you hooks directly into (y)our greater comittment to KNOW THYSELF. Can you see how you're reinforcing a foundational aspect of Living Well whilst learning a new aspect?  In all my experience teaching, this is one of the core principles that has enabled me to give & get the deepest learning on all levels; in a gradually refining progression, every new element builds upon and reinforces all preceding elements.
  
All things have cycles, or rhythms.  I have noticed that this is very true in the case of BpDA.  Anxiety may be triggered by a particular event, but a larger look at attacks over time may reveal that there are certain recurring periods where susceptibility to anxiety responses do follow some kind of tidal-like ebb and flow.  And now...


Introducing
The iCREATRIX Scale of Stability
Sorry for the delay, here's the actual Tool..
   
One long-term exercise has come to prove itself invaluable to me. As well as keeping a journal (musings, ventings, ideas, art, events etc), I also keep a day-to-a-page diary. Sure, I put in the odd important upcoming event, so I don't double book myself, but its main purpose is daily data collection about my state of mind. Unlike the usual practice of using one's diary to plan ahead, it's used to record what i did; the money I spent, on what, phone calls made, any list-ticked stuff etc.  But my most important data set is my DAILY RATING and my WORD OF THE DAY.  This is where I record my state of mind in two quick, simple ways. And I mean quick, and I mean simple.

Initially I found the thought of another daily comittment more than a little offputting. I am not much chop when it comes to daily activities of any kind, but I talk myself into this each night by sternly pointing out that it's 30 seconds or less out of my day, that I know how shirty I get at myself later when the data is not there, and if i do it I cannot go to bed thinking I haven't 'achieved' anything that day. (pfft, achievement. I'll attempt to deal with that little conundrum another time, too).  If that doesn't work, I have a grace period of up to three days in which to get things current. (Frankly, any longer than that and I wouldn't be able to remember anyway.)  I remind you of the small investment=big return rave from the post http://dragonbitesdog.blogspot.com.au/2015/10/thyself-know-heal-accept.html


For blog purposes, I have laughingly called this "the iCREATRIX Scale of Stability" and I want you to understand that it took a while to come up with a personal scoring method that I could use in 'most any mental state without thinking too much, that would garner relevant information. Feel free to use it if my way of scoring is relevant to you, but I encourage you to work out your own.  Mine evolved a bit as I used it, so I think the key is developing a system that is pertinent to each individual, as determined by themselves. 

 Focusing on the reason I wanted the data made a big difference.  I specifically wanted to see what my up-cycles, down-cycles and transitions looked like when graphed out over time.  I figured I might be able to observe cycles, discern whether I have more/longer periods in any one state, how long my transitions were and if there are any patterns there.  You see what I'm getting at? As I thought more about it, I realised I could learn about myself with a simple scoring method, collected over time.

My scale has only 7 possible scores, mainly for simplicity's sake. Zero (0) is stable, no mania or depression (don't get many of those); up to +3, out-of-control mania; down to -3, out-of-control depression. And for the visual learners, I made you a chart:


The iCREATRIX Scale of Stability
I have learned that my baseline (0) does move over time, depending on general long-term states of being. For example, I am a lot more functional these days than I was 18 months ago, and my zero then was a lot different to my zero now, as my expectations and abilities have evolved.There's also a lot of room within each category, so that I don't get all hung up on specifics (that triggers anxiety for me, go figure). Levels of specificity are again, developed by the individual (yeah, that's you!)

I also include a WORD OF THE DAY, which often morphs into "Phrase OTD" or "Words OTD" etc. Whatever blows your hair back; the point is to dig deep for a moment and come up with a summative, overall caption for your predominant state of mind that day. 

Do it at the end of the day, and don't judge (you've got plenty of time to pointlessly play it over and over in your head later, when you should be sleeping).  Just score and describe.  If it takes a while to get it right for you that's OK. Psychs weren't built in a day. It's about being honest and truly desiring some big-picture understanding of yourself on a linear framework. Give it Respect, be real and reap the long-term benefits.

  So, you keep your diary, and then every so often you transcribe the daily info onto a graph. This is the "collation stage", if you like, where we get to see our past days in front of us as if from overhead.  If you like spreadsheets, do it on your computer. If you prefer paper make a graph.  This is another bit where you design your format/presentation based on your own preferences, and perhaps accidentally learn a bit more about yourself (there's that 'know yourself' theme again). Correlate this graphed data with the other info from your diary (events, spending blowouts, periods of inactivity etc) to see events (a bad experience, menstruation, social complications etc) that either precede or coincide with particular curves/points on your graph. 
 
The moment you see your state of mind graphed out in such a linear fashion, you'll start to come to a greater understanding of your personal cycles.  Spend as much time as you like examining your graph.  This part is about getting to know the information, seeing any possible connections and patterns (our brains like that). It's not yet time to form any conclusions, although hypotheses may start arising the more you delve. If you get the urge to represent anything you discover visually (I dunno, like in a pie graph maybe?), then go for it.  I make note of anything that piques my interest, or pose questions for later reflection.

Which brings me neatly to the final aspect of using this tool, reflection. I do know this is getting long, but I promise it's winding up now. It's important to emphasise that reflection does not (should not) lead to wigouts.  If you have to remind yourself of this beforehand, do it.  I do, and it helps.  I only reflect when in a state of mind that can deal with it, because it is critically critical that you do so from either a detached a-emotional state, or from a state of love and forgiveness.  At least somewhere on this spectrum. We are not here to wind ourselves out, we are approaching ourselves from quite the opposite direction.  Forgive me for getting all stern and headmistress-y, but the truth is we need equal measures of gentleness and discipline if we want to Live Well longterm.

I have won hard the understanding that the better you know yourself, the better you're able to recognise and respond to the cycles and transitional states that characterise BpDA.  Accomplishing any effective precipitative action (having any kind of "win") deepens faith in one's strategy, gives one a little more confidence to continue collecting and using tools that work. Know that your Toolbox is always there when you want it. Know that you can fill it with many fine, quality tools and that you can learn to tune up, patch up or repair any aspect of yourself you have the courage and self-respect to tackle. Remember....WE ARE THE MIND MECHANICS - we may not have the Manual but dayum,  we gots good Tools.

  • COLLECT
  • COLLATE
  • EXAMINE
  • REFLECT 

1.11.15

HITTIN' THE BIG 'DOWN' BUTTON

 WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART

(and you're NOT comin' out from under the blankets, no matter WHAT)

Haha, hilarious.  It finally happened, as I knew it would. It feels like you could rule the world and nothing can hold you back.  You're gettin' things done, even making plans. You're going to have a Life!  And then a certain song starts playing, faintly in the background. It goes a lil somethin' like this. Hum along, you might know the chorus...
  I feel my grip on 'reality' start to slip, and all my lovely progress & sense of "being productive" begins to feel a little desperate. I try to keep the vibe going, but within (*insert timeframe*), I am cancelling all appointments, regretting anything I did/said over the last (*insert time frame*) because it just showed everybody what a complete fraudulent waste of space I am; castigating myself for thinking I have any business believing I could make a success of anything. Like run a blog about 'Living' when I just want to step into the Black and be done with it.  What a Hoax! Slowly sinking into a physical, mental, aethereal ParalySea, so that I even if I try to reach my Toolbox the immobility is so total I can neither reach out to it nor stay afloat.  I see its dark and reassuringly rectangular shadow bob by me on my Black Sea, but I am too busy trying to remember why I want to keep trying to breathe, and I will soon lose all memory that a Toolbox exists, let alone be able to use it.

This wasn't meant to be the next post.  I had a useful, sane and positive draft post that I was enjoying writing until I trip-a-ding-donged (I trust you know the -ve self-dialogue as well as I do). I've had a shitty three weeks (three fkn weeks!) on the Flopside, and I have missed my self-imposed blog schedule (meh, that's normal for mentalFolk, I tell myself, I tell myself). In the meantime, as I start to be able to move again,  I thought I would throw this lil 'mini-post' out there in the name of staying true to the Whoopy-Daisy see-saw of Bipolar, Depression & Anxiety Disorders.
 See? I'm not LivingTheDreamAllYouHaveToDoIsFollowMyMethodToAbsoluteBlissAndWealth, or any of those hashtags.  I'm just a person living with an oft-hellish bunch of disorders that has decided to have a go at having a go. I can't always just put on the HappyCanDo Hat and walk the walk.  Sometimes it's just shut the door, put a cupboard up against it, and turn the phone off.  I no longer have expectations of an end date for being a bit of a wignut, but if I'm gunna be finding myself alive each day that I wake up, I may as well have a bit of a philosophy about how I wanna meet the day that I find. Even if that philosophy wavers like a bamboo building in a Tokyo earthquake. Which it does.  Ugh.
 I dunno... there's still a bit a bit of a swim before I can touch sand and wade ashore; dry my clothes off and turn my eyes upward and onward again, but I'm in shallow waters and in sight of Land now. Barring any unanticipated downturn,  I will probably put the next-intended post up within a few days. It's a nuts-and-bolts, TALKING TACTICS subject that I hope you will find interesting.  Until then, if you're UP, make the most of it; if you're ABLE, put some work in; if you're DOWN, Hold Fast! and we'll see you on the other side.

18.10.15

THYSELF KNOW-HEAL-ACCEPT


The Importance of Strategy

NB: for brevity, group reference to BiPolar Disorder, Depression and Anxiety Related Disorders is written as BpDA
 
 Honest, non-emotional self-reflection is fundamental to building and maintaining the framework of a healthy life.    Just as a business benefits from an overall strategy, so does your conscious journey into living well with Bipolar, Depression & Anxiety Disorders.  If you have a clear strategy, it will guide you when selecting effective tactics.  Strategy is your long-term, overall  specific outcome, and its approach should reflect your ideal values and nature.  Strategy is not an inspirational poster (that's a tactic), it is your guiding light that keeps your destination illuminated. When you lose your way, you need only to make sure your decisions are in keeping with your strategy whilst you narrow down how to more specifically proceed.

You can evolve your strategy as you go, there aren't any rules (there are, however, some undeniable, sometimes irritating truths), and it can be pretty simple. Your strategy needs to include certain information; it needs an aim, an outcome and a timeline.  Don't get scared! It doesn't have to be a huge deal.  Keep it simple. My first conscious strategy was to make it alive to the end of the year, and arrive there with the desire to want to live another. No big deal, right? (!) Right, that's why it took me months (no shit, many months) of thinking and writing, writing and thinking (in between wigouts, heheh) to arrive at. But it was a clear aim, with a clearly defined outcome, and a timeline to complete it in. To my surprise, I also learned important stuff about myself in the process, without really meaning to (bonus!).

Truthfully, it was a big deal, but only after I had come up with it. (And I'm nearly at the end of that first year!)

  Invest some time and reflect on yourself. The You inside (not the You facing the world out there). Not weeks of insular deep thought (we all know where that can lead), just set up a couple of reminders that work for you, and tell yourself you need to check in and observe every so often. I'll post a list (when I work out how to do it) of prompts, to kick off with, but you know yourself best, so take it slow and once you get the hang of it, start shining a li'l light on some of those inner dark corners (but gently, gently, you're not chasing outlaws!). Make your own list, so you always have ready the next thing to think about.

Now the problem with thinking about big-picture stuff is being overwhelmed, and the resultant paralysis and damaging headspace it can bring on.  Being overcome is a common block in the way of progress and will leave one awash, head bobbing in the Great Sea of Everything-ness with no sight of a horizon. I'll post separately another time in more detail about ways I've tried to deal with this, but for now just pick one thing to ponder and only ponder upon it when you feel like you will do it without getting too attached.  Remember, you are setting up new LifeHabits, one breath at a time, and in this one small act you are also sneakily setting up other new LifeHabits without drawing attention to that fact (more about 'tricking yourself' another time as well').  Inherent in taking this action is the belief there is a better way for you to Live, and the belief that it's worth you having a go. Inherent in this action are the seeds of nutritious thinking, processes that feed you rather than feed on you, as our destructive thoughts do.  Already there are three additional tools you are setting in place, and you haven't even tried yet!

Think about it.  You are Here, Now.  You've gotten this far, by whatever means, and you have not thrown in the towel yet.  This means you have some hope somewhere, even if it's sooooo deep down inside and hiding from you that you think it's gone for good.  Deny it all you like, but you've just proven to yourself that it's still there, just by being here now.  You don't have to go chasing your hidey Hope down, it might be shy and not want you to look at it.  Just know it is there and send it a little mental thumbs up, then be on your inner way. 

Getting to know yourself deeply and honestly can feel scary! It can be confronting, downright paralysing holding a mirror up to ourselves in the bright light. Without always being wholly aware of it, we assign a value to any personality trait/habit, and if we see signs of 'low-value' traits within ourselves it can set off any number of individual triggers.  I find it is (still) ESSENTIAL to preface my periods of self-reflection with a reminder to myself that I am 'just looking;' that I've had enough practise at freaking out about myself and this time is just for observing and recording.  Once you've gone for a wander in it a few times, your brain will start percolating away while you're not looking, and it will often surprise you by randomly tossing out a pertinent insight when you're not expecting it. (Weird, but true!)

There is a significant amount of breaking down old (non-productive) beliefs & assumptions necessary to live BpDA with self-respect & some sense of power, but that fact needn't be added to our mental list of "Things To Get Overwhelmed about" (we've all got one!). My personal trigger to remind myself to stop getting so wiggy is to give a little shake of my head while I roll my eyes and say "silly Zebby," just like I am an old nanna fondly admonishing her favourite grandchild.  It's taken most of this year, but it's becoming more of an automatic kick-in the longer I stick with it.

And I do stick with it,  because there is a more than significant amount of return on my ongoing investment.  And that is something to put on your list of Affirmations (or whatever you use to remind you of smart stuff).  It's not always a good time to think deeply.  Don't force yourself.  Remember you don't have to progress every time to be progressing overall.  Don't be afraid to 'fail', expect it and have a li'l roll-your-eyes laugh when it does. It's just a fun thought experiment, and if it accidentally does something good, you can take the credit for being wise and subtle.. 

 For doing this small action,
I receive a MORE THAN SIGNIFICANT return on my ongoing investment
(I tell myself this ALL the time, sometimes over and over. Even when I don't believe it I know it's true) 


We are the Mind Mechanics.  We may not have the Manual but we have the Tools...

 _______________________________________________________________
[JUST A QUICK SHOUT-OUT TO SOME BELOVEDS DOING IT TOUGH.. HOLD FAST, MY FRIENDS, WE EACH ARE THE WARP AND THE WEFT AND EVERY THREAD IS NEEDED, INCLUDING YOURS]

16.10.15

About this blog...

EXTRAHO MORSUS CANIS
 (DragonBitesDog)

 Living well with Bipolar Disorder, Depression or Anxiety: strategies, tactics & tools for the short, medium & long-term. 

A weblog based on my past and ongoing personal journey and the various reflections and philosophies I have developed along the way, with specific emphasis on practical, real-life tools and techniques for empowering people with mental illness & addiction. 

In a 'nutshell', I have lived BiPolar for nearly 30 years, with periodic, ongoing Depression throughout much of that time.  I have always struggled with anxiety and stress-related disorders of both the mind and body, spending much of my life living away from towns and populous areas in order to maintain a functional level of being.  Attempts to live in metropolitan settings etc resulted in pretty dramatic & damaging breakdowns, none of which I dealt with to their full extent.. 

Fast forward nearly twenty years, a few toxic relationships and the deaths of way too many beLoved Ones later, to late 2009.  The big one.. I had the mother of all breakdowns and not only completely stopped functioning, but somehow left my body and couldn't get back in.  I spent the next couple of years desperately running around after it, trying to maintain the uni course I had moved interstate for, trying to be the creative person that demanded, but unable to catch a hold and wriggle back into my skin.. Slowly everything slipped away, and I didn't know how to stop it...

Somehow I pushed my hand up.  Asked to be excused.  Somehow I got the words out, and the right people moved in with swinging lanterns and my Long, Dark Tea Time of the Soul finally sensed the possibility of seeing another Dawn...

Fast forward another few years and I don't consider that I am "suffering from mental illness" any more.  That's not to say I don't suffer (none of us get out of that one!), but nowadays I deal with it on more of a healthy lifestyle level and try to integrate my Mental Health (MH) strategies into my day-to-day activities and overall Lyfe strategy.  I'm in a completely different place to four or five years ago, and it has taken no little effort to get here.  I'm still surprised! 

This didn't happen by just sitting around waiting to "get better."  Some people do recover from Depression, but I will probably not be one of them, and I'm OK with that (and I quite like being BiPolar now).  But the thought of being at the mercy of that Big Ol' Blakk Hol' for the rest of my life just makes me suicidal.  And I'm sick of being suicidal. I had to make a commitment that if I wanted to get anything out of this (my) Lyfe, I had to take things in hand and just work with what I had.  I didn't like the rules of the competition, so I moved the goal posts and changed the way the game was to be played.

 The day I stopped grieving for the life (and skills and abilities and memories!) I had lost, and started seeing it as a new white page, all ready for me to write my story afresh, I realised what an opportunity in disguise this whole thing could be.  If that's how I wanted to see it.  And I did.

To get to the integrated state that I'm aiming for is a long-term thing.  But if I can do it, anyone can do it. I hope you will travel with me as I explore the useful, doable and occasionally highly profound tools and techniques that continue to greatly assist me both in and out of my times of mental chaos.  Much of which has incidentally helped me grow as a person in the doing.  

We are not alone. We are more than our thoughts.  We are worth the effort.