EXTRAHO MORSUS CANIS
(DragonBitesDog)
A weblog based on my past and ongoing personal journey and the various reflections and philosophies I have developed along the way, with specific emphasis on practical, real-life tools and techniques for empowering people with mental illness & addiction.
In a 'nutshell', I have lived BiPolar for nearly 30 years, with periodic, ongoing Depression throughout much of that time. I have always struggled with anxiety and stress-related disorders of both the mind and body, spending much of my life living away from towns and populous areas in order to maintain a functional level of being. Attempts to live in metropolitan settings etc resulted in pretty dramatic & damaging breakdowns, none of which I dealt with to their full extent..
Fast forward nearly twenty years, a few toxic relationships and the deaths of way too many beLoved Ones later, to late 2009. The big one.. I had the mother of all breakdowns and not only completely stopped functioning, but somehow left my body and couldn't get back in. I spent the next couple of years desperately running around after it, trying to maintain the uni course I had moved interstate for, trying to be the creative person that demanded, but unable to catch a hold and wriggle back into my skin.. Slowly everything slipped away, and I didn't know how to stop it...
Somehow I pushed my hand up. Asked to be excused. Somehow I got the words out, and the right people moved in with swinging lanterns and my Long, Dark Tea Time of the Soul finally sensed the possibility of seeing another Dawn...
Fast forward another few years and I don't consider that I am "suffering from mental illness" any more. That's not to say I don't suffer (none of us get out of that one!), but nowadays I deal with it on more of a healthy lifestyle level and try to integrate my Mental Health (MH) strategies into my day-to-day activities and overall Lyfe strategy. I'm in a completely different place to four or five years ago, and it has taken no little effort to get here. I'm still surprised!
This didn't happen by just sitting around waiting to "get better." Some people do recover from Depression, but I will probably not be one of them, and I'm OK with that (and I quite like being BiPolar now). But the thought of being at the mercy of that Big Ol' Blakk Hol' for the rest of my life just makes me suicidal. And I'm sick of being suicidal. I had to make a commitment that if I wanted to get anything out of this (my) Lyfe, I had to take things in hand and just work with what I had. I didn't like the rules of the competition, so I moved the goal posts and changed the way the game was to be played.
The day I stopped grieving for the life (and skills and abilities and memories!) I had lost, and started seeing it as a new white page, all ready for me to write my story afresh, I realised what an opportunity in disguise this whole thing could be. If that's how I wanted to see it. And I did.
To get to the integrated state that I'm aiming for is a long-term thing. But if I can do it, anyone can do it. I hope you will travel with me as I explore the useful, doable and occasionally highly profound tools and techniques that continue to greatly assist me both in and out of my times of mental chaos. Much of which has incidentally helped me grow as a person in the doing.
We are not alone. We are more than our thoughts. We are worth the effort.
Greetings Earthling! and Hullo Sunshine! :) who would have thunk it...you always presented so well when ever I saw you but you're just the same as the rest of us....positively mad! (actually I always knew you were mad...just never cottoned on how much you suffered:(...and you were not alone) I've thought of you heaps over the years and have always sent you a smile. Am living in queensland now (goldcoast) with Katrina. She too has suffered for many years (and still does) with a mind that does not cooperate with the maddening world. She felt what you wrote really resonated with her and would love to connect with you. She has started writing a book based on the same themes...perhaps you could work together. Keep on posting and Jam on you spun out wizard, your work is gold...love you always... f :)
ReplyDeleteps...love ya beanies......where are you now? be good to catch up one day
Hi, thanks for responding. I would be happy to talk to Katrina about anything at all. I have to admit to some brain damage and memory loss, but i'll recognise you once i have a context (sorry!)
DeleteSend me an email (address on the blog under my info) and we can talk about stuff. thanks for checking out my headgear, you can make fun of me for not remembering your name later :)
Really comforting to read your story. Thank you. I think that if you can make it to a certain age, which for me was around 36-37 (just after I'd out-lived my father who died from depression), there comes a kind of freeing lifting, like a 'Who Gives a Fuck' Switch gets flicked. Not a defiant 'Who Gives a Fuck', but an I've seen it, lived it too many times to be negatively emotionally affected, one. For me that was the day I could stop grieving the lost, scratching to survive, years...decades and covet the fresh white pages of a future. I wrote 'Child' on the first page and defied the odds to have two. I learned after the birth of the first that having a child was a completely unconscious survival mechanism. Not because the black hole was filled, but the anchor of the responsibility of the wellbeing of someone so completely vulnerable meant that I no longer had the option to 'opt-out'. The real consequences of the 'opt-out' path now rule it out. That doesn't sit completely comfortably with every emotional facet, but I'm hugely grateful.
ReplyDeleteI must say, that is a beautiful insight into the unexpected change in outlook that having a child might bring about. I'm not a mother, but I have seen other women (and men) lift themselves to a place they never knew they could attain because of powerful new motivations arising after they had children. Sure, they shouldn't be a reason to live, but if children inspire us to live better it's a beautiful thing.
DeleteYour kind and honest words are much appreciated, and I thank you for contributing your story